I haven’t seen anything or anyone as loyal, secretive, and faithful as you are. Most nights, I drench you with my tears, fill you with my complaints, and there has never been a time where you let my secret slip through your guard. I laugh, you laugh. I cry, you wail. I’m silent, you’re calm. I’m happy, you glow. You’re just too faithful!
You’re always there, waiting for me to paint you with my thoughts. Today, more than anything I would want you to respond. Speak to me. Be blunt if you have to… You’ve been quiet for so long.
Dear diary, I’m broken again. I think I need rehabilitation. She has left me again. For a long time I was into something that seemed like a relationship. I didn’t and still don’t have any control on how I feel about her. Though we had issues occasionally that led to break ups and make ups, we still thrived. Well, I was always the first to reach out to her, until that fateful day when she looked me in the eye and told me that she’s done. She said we have nothing to hold unto. She said all along, she has been forcing herself to love me. It hurts and I wonder, does it mean she has been pretending all along?
For weeks now, sleep has been distant from me. Peace of mind has even journeyed far beyond my reach. My tears have filled so many empty tanks. You could notice my hands shake each time I visit you, because I have been ill.
Dear diary, what do I do?
I’m tired of being helpless. I’m tired of sounding hopeless. I’m sick and tired of forcing her to love me. I don’t understand, why can’t I stop loving her? Why do I still care so much? Why am I feeling so sad, weak and hurt? Why can’t I be mature about this, move on, and pretend like she never exists? Why does this feel so different and painful?
Will I ever be strong again? Will I ever get over her completely? Will there ever be a time when I would pass her by and my heart won’t skip or beat faster? Tell me, do you have the answer to my questions? How do I move on?
It hurts that you feel this way, but I have to be honest with you. Love is not forceful and you cannot have, preserve or nurture it by being forceful. You’ve always been the one reaching out to her and If you fight your way back, you’ll fight to stay. If you become more pathetic and she takes you back out of pity, you’ll eat tears for dinner.
I understand what it feels like to build a little or massive world around someone, only for it to crash unexpectedly. She sees no future in both of you and you can’t make this work alone. Have you asked yourself if she feels half of the pain and heartache you’re feeling right now?
My dear, a time will come when you’ll reflect on this experience, and you’ll be grateful that this whole thing didn’t work out with her. Please, enough of the mourning. You’ll be strong and happy again. You alone hold the key to your happiness. Not me, not her, not the world can dictate what makes you happy. You alone should decide!
Now, I plead you don’t hate her. Don’t try to paint negative or ugly pictures of her. Even when it hurts, don’t see her as an enemy. Remember, She didn’t say you’re not good enough for the world or any other person; she only said you’re not good enough for her. Therefore, give yourself a break!
Try and occupy yourself with things you love and your loved ones. Gradually, but surely you will get over her. Letting go is not a myth. It can be so difficult, but sometimes that’s all we need to survive some tough situations.
Also, don’t be bothered about her moving on, finding someone else, or being happy without you. Don’t force yourself to do the same thing. Healing takes time, but don’t let it take forever. I’m not saying this will be easy for you; all I’m saying is that you’re stronger than this.
Never regret or deny that you loved her so dearly, and as a matter of fact you still love her. It’s not a crime to love. Don’t feel weak, feeble or foolish for loving someone. Love is not a feeling you should be ashamed of; no matter who you fell or falls for. It’s time you move on; JUST DO IT. Your future is greater than this drama!
Remember this: I’m your diary, your instinct and voice of reasoning. Thanks for trusting me.